Being 27 and face a job situation

well i'm in my late 20's and still hasn't figure yet what the perfect carrier is?.
i can say i have 'not that steady' kind of a job.
i'm a contract based employee that once in two years will hit the 'cut off' periode,
which is mean i'll be forcedly leave the job for one months and being on stand by mode.
and after one month being cut off the company the company will call me if they're still need me and i'll come back with a hand full of application.
and here i am starting the day as a freshman.

this is not fair in my eyes as regular human being on earth.
why that makes me think like that?
here's the explanation
first once you become the 'fresh man'
all of your right is automatically will start fresh too i mean like reset to 0.
it mean you'll have no leave on pay why? it's simply because your contract makes you count as new recruits
if you wish to have such kind of leave on pay you need to wait 'till your term of office pass the one year stage.
which is never gonna happen. and you can wish it to be present in your next life after reincarnation.
the second is they also violated the so called Tunjangan Hari Raya,
even though you still the same employee with the same loyal personality on the top of the papper you're not.
you're count as freshman. there is a condition to get that THR fully paying is,
you need to work a full year a.k.a 12 months.
describing this kind of thing make me become even sadder.
the third i don't even get a legal delivery birth leave, if i give a birth i'll be forced to resign.
don't even dream they will pay your birth bill i'm gonna repeat this sentence.
it'll not happen in this life maybe on your life after reincarnation.
EVEN YOU'RE STILL THE SAME OLD PERSON, YOU'RE NOT DIE AND BORN BACK TO LIFE AS A NEWBORN.
you're still you.

why do i don't deserve the 'same' benefit as permanent employee?
i can guarantee my loyalty to company is'nt different with them.
i submit most of the report as schedule, on time!
i even come to office early than the so called 'permanent staff'.
i work as hard as they're.
i don't know who to blame the HRD or the company?
the one thing that i'm sure about is they turn me to hold old grudge towards them.
and if i've a chance i'll crush every single pieces of it.

right now i keep sending job applications this and there.
i'm wishing to find a company that will value me as much as i value them.
this two side kind of relationship i want.
not the relation-shit that i had right now.

dear god do you still there isn't it?
you listen to my prayer don't you?
amin.

please please save me

today is the 4th day i'm home after my 12 days trip to India
since the first day at home i feel something inside me isn't in right position.
i feel like losing something but i don't know what it's exactly.
i enjoyed every second of my trip in India
i love every breathe i heal
but it can't deny the fact that something feels like missing.

i go with my fellow friends to India we're group of 4, 2 boys and 2 girls.
one is my collage friends and the remain i just meet them on the trip.
from what we feels in India i think the fourth of us enjoyed our time.
it's showing from the big laugh that oftenly flowing in our conversation.
we take thousand of pic but i still not receive it since the phone owner not uploading it yet.
most of the pic is taken with edu phone, that's why i don't have that much on mine.

i got back to work on Sunday
my 'ibuk seruangan' skip work for some reason with her girl at the day.
lucky me i don't need to spend a whole day at office no overtime for the first day.
i have lunch with my office mate we have a bowl of warm soup.
the soup that i've been craving when i'm on India.
in the evening we hang out and try some Korean Jigae restaurant that recently open in Town.
it supposed to recover my mood but it's not.

i do laugh with my friends but it only appear on the outside.
i feel like zombie, i even plan to quit my job.
and start looking for a new start far from home.
it because i stress so much on my future.
my mom back with her 'kapan nikah?' question.
the question that i don't want to hear at least for 3 months after my trip.
but i need to be realistic i grow older year by year.

some of my friends gave a birth to second baby and some is getting marry near soon.
but here i am sitting in front of my leppi.
i'm not finding 'The One' yet.
that's the top urgent, top priority on my every du'a.
what else can i do?
tell me?

please please save me.
i don't want this feeling killing me

The Birthday Post

Today is my Birthday (again)



this is a birthday post on blog, a new one.

it's something like a wishes.
something like a dream i want to reach
a goal i want to set.

for this year my top priority is to find the one that i can rely on
someone who can accept all my weakness and holdin' me on my struggle.

i do not ask for a moon that i can't reach.
but god you know exactly what i need.
he's the one that i ask on my every du'a

Dear Allah let this Rhamadan be my last Ramadhan being single.

i know you has a perfect time for every soul.
and i hope my time will coming as soon.

thankyou for all the blessing all this time.
sorry for being too reckless and asking for too much.

Goodbye February~

i writing this very first sentence along with deep sigh.
i'll tell what happen on my February.
my February is't as bright as i wishing it for,
the gloomy cloud still hangin' in every single corner and do not want to move.
if you don't put any interest at my current life situation, you better walk out start from here.

okay, this is the story.
on the last week of February i have an wedding invitation from my SHS friends.
actually the one who get married is not her but her brother, since we're a close friends
she sent me the wedding invitation, wait it is not me but for our whole class mate.
the wedding held on Sundays that's also my happen as my free time.
and since i don't have a plan yet about how to spend my Sunday,
so i decided to come and join the party.
yes here  there is, the beginning of my never ending cloudly February.
there is only three people that will come including me,
2 woman and 1 man, we talk beforhead that it'll be too waste if we drive car separate ways
so the only man between us decide to give free ride and pick up the remain lady at home.

so he come and pick me first and FYI we're just common SHS friend we're not that often to meet
it's maybe just like once in two months, uhm~ i'm not sure either.
but there is one thing that i sure as much as i believe that earth is round is i've develop a feeling on him.
this is not very recent but also not that long,
it start to build when we meet for some wedding party.

after the wedding party we decide to grab a coffee.
and during our chattering moment i always missread the gesture.
oh someone please throw a coffe to my face so i can be sober.
you may think i'm insane or out of my mind.
and yes the wrong is on me, i keep misunderstand his gesture as a signal for me.
the gesture is just natural or maybe the usual that he had, but again i missread it.
i missunderstand it as one "kind" of signal.
you damn signal!

i am a type of a girl who bury the feeling deep inside me.
i'll not happen in one of million ways of me showing it.
why? because i hardly can deal with the after effect.
you know my heart can't accept the worst scenario, even though that may not happen.
but i can't control my mind my heart i'll turn to such paranoia.

after the coffee on the road to my home, we start talking about family, a plan a future just random talkin'
please please save me! the more i write the more i realize how stupid i am.
i take that random talk more than i should, i conclude that he's also interest in me.
after seeing the pic from the wedding my friends telling me that i should make a step forward.
a damn stupid me, i follow her instruction and sent message to him.
*adding storm background music*
the message sent and i don't get the reply. yes!!! i dont get the stupid reply!
this is very embarrassing for me, i can't take it for the rest of my life and the life after.
i think he may confuse and think that what's happen with this stupid girl!
why do she text me? do her think i like her?
*boom* just kill me right now!

i even think to delete my massage service.
i dont think i'll have the courage to meet him in the future.
sadly that was the story, again i write it here to calm my mind a bit.
so that is.
*ending it with more hard sigh*

the very first post on january 2017

Hello~ it’s already near to the end of January and here it is my very first post on 2017. 

Actually I’ve desire to share my current feeling  on my blog post since a long ago, something that related to work and also my –still don’t have progress- life status. Kkk~ and just manage to do it right now.

It feel like I need a space to express all of the feeling since it keep lingering  and draw a gloomy cloud over my heart. A very mix feeling but dominated with depressed and full of stress, yes I live a hard life.

My day at office start to getting more intense and full with pressure, I need to submit the report  as the dateline, My boss will only give his best command and BOOM! Everything must finish on time. oh yes  please mention My coworker who has the same responsibility as me, she hasn’t much helping. She keep telling me she has the same hard day as me when I can clearly  watch her calling a family member and gossiping over the phone for at least 30 minutes. I don’t know if gossiping were an office duty, but what can junior like me do? Not single a thing. Sometimes I tell her how the report killing me softly ‘yes I know that exactly since I have as same as you’ that what she said, oh please let me laugh ‘till I broke my lungs.

 The peak of my stress is happen last week, I barely  can control my tears. I often caught my self crying in silent and I can’t stop my tears flood a river. Lucky me no one at the office seems realize it. It will be another problem if anyone watching me cry. I hope that is enough to describe how stress I am during that period. I do tell what I’ve feel to my friends, people says sharing your problem will ease it a little. My friend listen to all of my story and give me some advice, but you know when you feel so stressed it not much help. but I thanks all my friend a whole heartedly for being there when I was on my worst. 

At the time like this I feel like I need someone beside me, someone who will listen and comfort me. Someone that will give me a warm heart, a comfort shoulder to lying on. Unfortunate me I hasn’t find the one yet, I hope soon please Ya Allah grant my du’a for this one. 

Now I am trying hard to conduct my mood little by little, I will not let the stress and depress control my life I need to get back to the way I life before. I had enough of it, I wouldn’t be stress over the matter of work anymore. I need to manage my mood and my happiness well~ a very very well.  I’ll let it be what should it be, Life still need to live on.

I born to be happy! My life is more important than those F@#k dateline. I will not ever again shade my tears over this matter.

PS. I Still looking for shoulder to lying on kkk~

Thanks for reading ~